How to apologize to the wife whose husband you slept with?
Many conversations about cheating are initiated by someone trying to save their marriage. It is rare to hear of someone having no part in the marriage, but sometimes it happens. One sometimes hears from the “other woman” who feels some sort of sorrow or remorse. Sometimes she stops wanting to contact her wife. She just wants someone to listen to her, and that person doesn’t need to be the wife.
However, there are times when the other woman claims that she feels this overwhelming need to communicate directly with the wife in order to make some sort of apology. Here’s what you might hear: “I can’t say I’ve had a relationship with a married man. I don’t consider it a love affair. I had sex with a colleague when we were at a conference. It happened twice over the course of a weekend and never happened again. I am convinced that if we had not been together in such close quarters with alcohol, this would never have happened. I’m not even attracted to this guy. And I avoid him at work. I’m married too. So I know how devastating it would be if my wife cheated. I feel so awful about it that sometimes all I can think about is this. I met the other man’s wife for a short while at work – and she is very cute. I can’t stop thinking about her and how sorry I am. We are friends with her on Facebook, but we are not close friends. Based on some of her posts, I’m pretty sure her husband either told her about the relationship or she found out about him from other co-workers. However, I’m glad to see that based on her current posts and pictures, it looks like they’re trying to figure it out. I long to apologize to her, but I’m not sure the best way to do it. How should I do it?”
I will try to say this in the gentlest way possible. But as a woman who has been on the other side of that fence trying to rebuild my marriage after cheating, I don’t think you should at all.
Why? Because I don’t see how it helps the wife at all. I don’t see any upside for her. You say it looks like she’s trying to move on. So what will your sudden emergence do for her? That would bring back bad memories. It could hinder her progress. Sure, it might make you feel better to get that off your chest. But you care about her, right?
If that’s true and you really, really want to do what’s best for her, my suggestion is to do nothing. I know that’s not what you wanted to hear. But I think it’s best for her that you back off and leave her and her husband alone. If she feels a burning need to talk to you, then she will reach out. But I think it’s best to respect her personal life and her marriage and leave this in the past where it belongs.
I can only speak for myself, but if the “other woman” had suddenly appeared and expressed that she just wanted to tell me how sorry she was, I would not have welcomed it. I wouldn’t see the point in it, and this intrusion wouldn’t help me or offer me anything other than frustration or awkwardness. Of course everyone is different, but so rarely do I see dating or interactions between a wife and another woman going well. I almost never see this scenario achieving anything positive.
It may make you feel better if you journal about why you regret it and what you are doing in your life to fix it. What you may really be looking for is to be able to release your feelings. There is a way to achieve this without tearing anyone else down or including anyone else. Your grief is truly your own. And there’s nothing wrong with expressing it to yourself.
Because I suspect that what the wife wants is not your regret or apology. He probably wants to move on with his life. And when you suddenly pop out, she has no right to do that. She suddenly has to stop her momentum and revisit the past. I can only speak for myself, but that kind of hiatus would not be welcome or healthy in my opinion. I suspect if he wants to communicate he will let you know. On the other hand, it is best for both families to try to move on and deal with people in their own homes.
You said there was nothing between you and the other man and that there never would be, so why dig something that is long over and was nothing to begin with?
#apologize #wife #husband #slept