My husband doesn’t seem to want to have sex with me after his affair
Sometimes I hear from wives who are devastated not only by their husband’s infidelity or affair, but also by the loss of intimacy and physical contact. For some reason, sex has been taken off the table. So at a time when the wife is already hurt and confused, she now struggles with the fact that she can’t get the confidence to be intimate. This makes her wonder if her husband is still sexually attracted to her and whether or not her marriage will be able to recover.
She might say, “my husband had an affair about two months ago. At first I didn’t even want to talk to him. Eventually I let him come and see the kids and little by little we started talking again. tell me he feels very guilty and ashamed. He goes out of his way to be accommodating and nice to me. He told me that even though he would like to stay married and that he would never cheat on me again, he couldn’t ask me to stay with him because he didn’t know if he could stay with me if I cheated. He actually says he won’t blame me if I refuse to take him back. I told him I was going to take time to make up my mind. But until this week I really considered it. However, last weekend the kids and I were watching a movie with my husband and they fell asleep. My husband and I ended up talking and laughing. One thing led to another and before long we were kissing. When things were about to get intimate, my husband pulled away and said, “I just can’t have sex with you right now.” I was stunned, so I asked, “You can’t or you won’t?” He stood up and said, “I just can’t. I’m sorry.” I have no idea what to do with this. I tried to ask him about it but he always changes the subject. Doesn’t he attract me? Could he physically fail the task because of the affair? I want to save my marriage, but I also want to one day have a healthy sex life again. Why shouldn’t a man have sex with his wife after the affair?”
I can’t speak for your husband, but I suspect it’s not that he can’t have sex with you. I suspect he could do the job if he felt right. However, many men feel a lot of guilt and shame after the affair. So they know that having sex again can create a lot of awkwardness and negative feelings. On the one hand, they might really want to have sex with you. But they are ashamed of this desire, as they feel that they have no right to ask this of you. Plus, they know that when you undress and start having sex, you may both be preoccupied with thoughts of him having sex with someone else since that wound is so fresh. The thought of it might terrify him. And he may decide that it’s better to just wait to have sex than try it now and have it be a disaster. Also, he might not want to seem like he’s only interested in sex with you when he really isn’t.
I know this is painful and can feel like rejection, but let’s face the facts. Your husband and you were having a nice, carefree time laughing together. He was clearly in it when he kissed you. And then something changed. Since he has told you that he would like to save your marriage, I highly doubt that he is not attracted to you. In fact, I’m sure it was tempting to have sex. However, he was probably trying to avoid a potentially embarrassing or embarrassing encounter. And maybe he didn’t want you to feel used in the morning, or he didn’t want you to feel guilty.
Many couples put off sex after an affair for several different reasons. They want to make sure it’s the right time. They don’t want to rush into it and potentially create more problems than they already have. Many know that if the sex was uncomfortable and just not good, then they would take that to mean their marriage is doomed. So they wait until they’re sure it’s going to be right because they know they’re going to analyze it.
Your spouse may have the same thought process. He may want to wait until you’re both sure the time is right. He may not want to look like a jerk pressuring his wife to have sex after his affair. And he probably knows that both of you might have thoughts about the affair during sex. All of these reasons are why it might really make sense to wait.
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