My Husband Is Only With Me For Our Kids – Tips That May Help
I often hear from wives who tell me that their husband either told them directly or made it very clear that he wasn’t fully invested in the marriage (or even in love with them) and was still only married for the kids. While it is commendable for a parent to make such a commitment to their children, it is an offensive thing for one spouse to say or imply to another. And that leaves the wife at the end of this message in an undesirable position.
If she wants more or thinks this arrangement is unacceptable, it certainly doesn’t mean she loves or is devoted to the children any less, but all kinds of guilt and anxieties can come into play. The truth is that this arrangement is certainly not optimal for either party. Of course, children live in a two-parent home, and experts agree that this is best for them. But the lack of affection and forced bonding in this house will certainly not go unnoticed and it will affect them as well.
In the following article, I will offer some insights designed to help wives in this difficult situation. Everyone in the family deserves to be happy and feel valued. I hope this article helps you get more from it.
Staying married just for the kids means that your happiness and contentment don’t matter and aren’t important to your children’s well-being: To be fair, I actually advocate trying to keep the two-parent household intact. I am a child of divorce and I’m sure this loss has affected me in many different ways. I remember the pain of my parents’ divorce and how it negatively affected my sister and I’s lives. So from a purely selfish point of view, I wish my parents had never divorced. But I also didn’t like the very emotionally charged environment in our house. Looking back, what I really wanted was for my parents to find a way to truly be happy together.
What is most beneficial for children is living in a two-parent household where both parents are happy and affectionate with everyone who lives there. Isn’t that the type of marriage you want for your children? Do you want them to think it’s okay if not everyone is happy? It’s important for them to know that satisfaction is important, and if that’s not there, they’re likely to feel that void very deeply as well.
Many people answer this question with something like, “Well, unfortunately, I don’t see a way to provide all of these things. At this point it’s a choice between staying married for them or being happy away from everyone And we think it’s better for them if we stay married for now.”
I applaud this kind of sacrifice, but it breaks my heart that one or both parents just accept their unhappiness in the marriage as if it can’t be changed or as if they themselves aren’t worth the effort to change it. In short, they’re being put last, and I don’t think that’s entirely necessary. I believe that many people could dramatically improve their situation if they accepted that they deserved it, made a commitment to do it, and then followed through with some very specific actions.
It’s good to stay married for the kids, but why not make the marriage a happier one so that you have everyone’s well-being and happiness in mind?: Few people would argue with me when I point out that the best scenario for children is a home with two loving parents who also love each other. But many people doubt that they can really have this. I often hear comments like, “Our marriage is too far. We don’t fight in front of the kids. But we don’t love each other either. I’ve learned to live with it and I don’t think the kids know it’s happening.”
I would say that with both of them tied the knot, marriage may not be as far off as one would think. I also suspect that while children may not fully understand their parents’ emotions toward each other, they certainly feel it and will internalize it (and probably act it out) when they have their own families.
Sometimes people understand and accept what I’m saying, but they just don’t know where to start. Their marriage is in a rut and following the same predictable pattern, so how do they change that? Sometimes you have to be brave who takes the initiative. The next time your husband makes a comment that you’re only together for the kids (or hints at it with his actions), tell him that living this way isn’t making either of you truly happy, and since you’re both committed to being together, it only makes sense to make the most of it and try to be happy together.
The suggestion would be something like, “I know you’re still married just because of the kids. You said it very clearly and it hurts me. We both deserve a marriage that makes us happy. I want this for both of us. Since we know neither of us is going anywhere, can we work together to make things better for both of us? Can we create the marriage we want our children to have when they grow up? I know that means we’re going to have to make some changes and work a little harder, but I’m willing to do that if you’re ready.”
Now, your husband may not immediately fall into your arms and commit to changing the marriage, but he will hear what you have to say. And in the coming days and weeks, you can show him that you mean what you say through your actions. And very slowly and gradually you may start to see some changes in his behavior.
Usually one person will start the process and the other person will start falling in line eventually, even if they are not fully aware of it. Once they begin to receive some positive rewards, they will likely want to continue, as people move toward what makes them feel positive and away from what makes them feel negative.
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