Should I talk to the woman my husband had an affair with?
There are many unpleasant and difficult issues after an affair, and sometimes I get emails asking for advice on how to deal with them. One of the more common ones is “should I confront the other woman?” or “should I meet my husband’s mistress?” These are loaded questions. It’s understandable to want answers and doubt that your spouse is giving you the honest answers to all of them. It is normal to want to know who this woman is, what she is like, and what exactly your husband sees in her. But there are several negatives that can arise after such a meeting. I’ll discuss these, as well as some other things to keep in mind, in the next article.
Why you might want to talk to The Other Woman:Many wives want to confront or talk to the other woman because it will take a lot of the mystery out of the image you have of her in your mind. You fantasize that meeting her will allow you to see exactly who you’re dealing with. Maybe you can tell her in no uncertain terms that she needs to get away from your husband. Maybe you can make her understand that her callous actions are destroying the family. Maybe you can get the “real story” from someone who has no reason to lie. All of these things seem perfectly reasonable when they are still only in your mind, but the reality of the situation almost always turns out to be quite different. Sometimes meeting her can be a disaster and make your situation much worse. This is a potentially seriously unhealthy situation for you, which I will explain more below.
Why so many things can go wrong if you confront your husband’s mistress: Trust me when I say I understand how you feel right now. I once camped out behind the dumpster in my husband’s office and waited for her to pass. (However, I freaked out when it came time to face her.) But let’s think about that for a second. I’d bet you’re considering confronting her because you think it will make you feel better or improve your situation. But how likely do you think that really is?
Unless that woman is kind, apologetic, and trustworthy, it’s highly doubtful you’ll have a positive experience. I talk to women in this situation almost daily and I can tell you that it is extremely rare that it turns out well. This almost always makes the wife feel worse. Because what usually happens is that the “other woman” is not receptive, forthcoming, or empathetic. No, she’s often only too happy to tell in full detail how you’ve been scammed. She will put all the blame on your husband and try to portray herself as the innocent party. She will insist that your husband came to her without any encouragement. And she will try to imply that your husband is giving you a false account of how things are right now.
I fully realize that if the affair is still fresh, you are very likely to have doubts about the story your husband is telling you. But you are unlikely to get a truthful account from this woman. All along she has been deceiving you with bad intentions. You have no history with her. It’s in her best interest to paint herself in the most positive light while kicking her husband to the curb. Or sometimes she’ll try to paint the relationship as a storybook love story, that they’re too human to just be apart. Maybe she sees it that way, but your husband may see it in a completely different way.
Who do you really want to receive your information from?: Let’s think about this rationally. The reasons behind your desire to talk to your husband’s mistress are probably the following:
1. You want to tell her to stay away from your husband.
2. You want her to understand the pain she caused.
3. You want to measure it and see how it looks.
4. You want to hear her side of the story.
5. You think it will make you feel better.
6. You hope she will back away from your husband.
Well, some of these goals are best served by your spouse. You have a history with him whether you want to save your marriage or not. The better choice is to let him make it clear to her that the relationship is over and the pain it caused. And here’s what will make you feel better. It’s not about seeing and judging the other woman. It’s restoring your own self-esteem and restoring trust and intimacy in your marriage. It makes your marriage stronger and better, so much so that she no longer crosses your mind. She can’t do these things for you (and she wouldn’t want to.)
I understand you want to get revenge on her. This is completely normal. But you know what the best revenge is? For her, it is nothing more than a momentary regret. Don’t let her into your life anymore. Brush her off like the troublesome, momentary little gnat that she is, and don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing how she’s affected you. Because at the end of the day, what she doesn’t want is for the man she moved on with to become happy and fulfilled with his wife again. She doesn’t want you to take that role back. How sweet it will be when you do. Your happiness and mental health is the best revenge. While she is left with pity and shame, behave with grace and dignity, and worry about your own health and happiness, without giving her more concern and interest than she deserves.
#talk #woman #husband #affair