Why are there no fat vampires
Ever wondered why you never see fat vampires at the movies?
Besides all the teenage vampire love stories and the exotic Hollywood vampires with European accents, I have yet to see an overweight vampire. (Okay, maybe the really big one in the first Blade movie with Wesley Snipes.) Even the real crazy, ugly ones are often haggard, wiry, or ripped from sinewy muscles. Even the beautiful fantasy character, Vampirella is incredibly strong. (But she’s from another planet, so she’s out in the daylight.)
When you think about a vampire’s metabolism and lifestyle, it makes perfect sense. They usually wake up hungry and fully motivated to sneak into the shadows and pounce on unsuspecting victims. They can sometimes use the hypnotic eye trick to subdue some weak-willed people before sinking their teeth into them.
Otherwise, there’s a lot of crawling around, chasing people, climbing buildings, breaking into places, and dodging angry vampire slayers. And the manhunt continues at all times. Rain, snow, sleet, fog (fog is actually good), thunderstorms and hot, humid nights. They don’t take breaks, sit by the fireplace, watch TV, or hang out at the bar (although that’s a good place to find people). And vampires can’t just walk into the convenience store for junk food. They must get their blood ration, starve or hibernate.
And they sleep. Hours and hours of uninterrupted sleep. No wonder they are ready when they wake up. None of the vampire stories I’ve read, watched, or heard talk about 24-hour vampires. Because they are hypersensitive to sunlight, they had to work a strict night shift and sleep all day. So even after the longest night of stalking and chasing prey and sometimes fighting and dodging some revenge seeking humans, the vampire still had plenty of time for a nap. Often more than 12 hours at a time. Exercise, eat, sleep. Three ingredients of long life were present in the vampiric lifestyle.
And you’ve never heard of any of them eating junk food, candy, sweets, or high-sugar cereal, smoking cigarettes, or drinking pop or alcohol, right? (Well, the vampire played by Colin Farrell in the 2011 remake Scary night I drank beer.) No, it was a strict diet of iron-rich blood, lots of exercise, bumping around in the dark, and deep sleep. That’s probably why undead creatures never had to visit a dentist or doctor unless vampires were going for a snack.
Now I don’t support this lifestyle, especially the late nights and blood drinking. Unless you have photophobia or a condition like XP (xeroderma pigmentosum), you will miss out on the benefits of sunlight. Drinking blood is dangerous because blood can carry pathogens, is difficult to digest, and contains too much iron (causing hemochromatosis), which can damage internal organs. And all that stalking in the dark and attacking people will make you unpopular and maybe land you in jail.
But I fully support natural, functional fitness exercises, deep breathing, body alignment, and several other factors that the vamp lifestyle can replicate.