Why women should not live with men before marriage!
Okay, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but… the biggest mistake you can make with a guy… is living with him before he proposes. I will tell you briefly why living with a man before marriage if you are not yet committed is a bad idea…
Number 1, and this is VERY important, so remember this — Living with a man does NOT automatically mean you have a ring around the corner, and it doesn’t even guarantee marriage; in fact, if anything, it usually DECREASES his motivation to marry you… just like having sex with a guy before, since being committed decreases his motivation to want to be exclusive and committed to you. This is the most common trap women fall into with their boyfriends, leading to wasted years of their lives and failed relationships.
That’s because if guys can get away with it, they’ll try to avoid locking themselves into the lifelong commitment of marriage, and they’ll want to try to “try” you out – “for free” – first to make sure he’s really into you. he even wants to marry you and see what you will be like as a wife and life partner. Or maybe he already knows that he doesn’t really want to get married, so he’ll try to get out of marrying you for as long as he can. Just like men often try to get away with having sex with a girl without making a real commitment if they can.
So he will ask you to live with you first, telling you that he wants to take the relationship in a more serious direction and asking you to live with him.
WOMEN think, “Great! After living for a while, the next step is marriage!” You imagine that soon he will call you…
But MEN think, “I really like her, maybe even love her, I think she MIGHT be ‘the one’ for me, but I want to ‘try’ her first and make sure. And I get sick of her or something, or I realize I don’t like her enough to marry her, I can always back out and end the relationship.” OR he might be thinking, “I’m not sure if I want to marry her but I don’t really want to break up with her, I want to keep getting my “benefits” so I’ll just appease her in the meantime by asking her to live with me and that will keep her around for a while and free me up off the hook that I have to offer.”
He may be hinting that the living situation will eventually lead to marriage, or he may have outright told you that it will. But in the back of his mind, he’s still not calling you because he’s NOT SURE. And he wants to use the live situation as a way to prolong his decision and also “try you on for size.”
But what happens is that when a person moves in with you, they get all the “perks” of marriage from you – minus the actual marriage. You feed him, you feed his ego, you sleep with him, you give him regular sex. You are a loyal, devoted woman, at his disposal whenever he wants. Plus whatever you do for him, like cooking and cleaning or doing his laundry. There really isn’t much more to a man. You gave him everything he wanted without marrying. He gets all that, plus he has the joy of not having a lifetime commitment and knowing he can always break it off at any time! So what’s in it for him if he gets married? “Nothing” as far as he was concerned. He feels no need. Unless he marries; he is bound by a lifelong commitment and many more responsibilities and a financial nightmare if the relationship does not work out.
And what’s going on? He starts to get comfortable with the situation… and time starts running out…
And do you think he is becoming more attracted to you as time goes by and more motivated to want to marry you?
NO, sister!
Because over time and every day you live together, you begin to fall into a routine and, naturally, you become more dull and predictable for him. Any of those fun surprises you might have experienced when you first became roommates have disappeared as you’ve gotten used to each other and any excitement you had has turned into monotony and often the boredom that comes naturally from seeing the same person day in and day out. And the older you get and the more time passes, the more impatient you become and the more insecure you feel about the situation. And it comes out in unattractive ways, maybe you start to resent him or pick on him, get mad at him if he wants to travel without you or have a boys’ night out, or question his intentions and ask when he’s up the time… the frame is for marriage.
So to him, you become less attractive over time, not more attractive. This is especially true if you don’t have many outside friends or interests besides him and always want to spend time with him. Add to that, the longer this drags on, the more bored he gets in the relationship and the less attractive you become to him. Does that sound like something he’ll jump all excited about and rush over to Zale to buy you a ring??
For what??
Why should he “buy the cow” (you/marriage) if he “gets the milk” (the benefits) for free?
Meanwhile, he keeps you on your toes, with all your other options cut off and unable to date anyone else, so you’re completely committed and devoted to him. While he can “try you out” and see how it feels to live with you and be married to you, while knowing that he can just leave at any time.
So you see, you can’t really blame the guy for dragging it out as long as possible and not being motivated to marry you. If he hasn’t proposed after 1 year of living with you, he most likely never will and will just keep pushing it. As a dating coach, I know women who have been with their boyfriends for 4, 6, even 10 years and are still single!
If it’s been over a year since you’ve been living with your boyfriend and he still hasn’t proposed or given you any time frame for when he will, my advice is to get out now! While you are still relatively young and have some options. Or give yourself a 3-6 month mental timeline of when you’ll pull the plug and break it off if he hasn’t initiated an engagement yet. And move on to finding someone who IS sure about you and is ready and motivated to marry you without having to wait years to “test” you!
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DeAnna Lorraine is one of America’s top dating and relationship experts, coaching clients across the country to transform their love lives, succeed with the opposite sex, and find and attract their life partner fast! DeAnna is known for her magical results and unique, comprehensive training methods that incorporate cutting-edge, proven techniques such as NLP and Hypnotherapy for real results and lasting change.
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